FlushKard: from Barium to Buttsecks

Joe Jonas is so sexy!

2009-07-14T11:05:00.007+08:00

Joseph Adam "Joe" Jonas, 1/3 of the famous Disney group Jonas Brothers, is said to be the hottest of the three. He was even sexier when he danced to the song "Single Ladies" by singer Beyonce Knowles.

Oooohhh lala!
Kindly refer to my deviantArt account for terms of use.

Innocence, guilt and fatty lawyers

2009-07-13T22:44:00.006+08:00

Being declared innocent in court does not mean you're truly innocent. Even if you're innocent unless proven guilty, the truth is if you had indeed committed a crime, then you have been guilty since -- never mind the justice system.

* Note: I'm not saying Michael Jackson is guilty of anything; however, I've been seeing things like:

innocent until proven guilty.
was he proven guilty? NO, therefore, that makes him innocent.

How naive! The world does not work that way, my dear.

Fact: Many criminals get away with their crimes because of a number of factors, such as:

* Innocence in the eyes of the law can be bought and/or extorted. Judges and lawyers are human, too, and are subject to the temptations and desires of all men / women. No exceptions.

* The prosecution was less powerful than the defense. The defense was smarter and more influential than the prosecution.

* Technicalities in the eyes of the law. A missed word, an overlooked detail can turn the tables for both prosecution and defense.

So what of Michael Jackson? Is he guilty or not? In the eyes of the law, he is innocent. Perhaps he really is. But only he and the child would ever know what really happened.

Food for thought: BJ

2009-07-12T16:15:00.000+08:00

If blowjob is the act of fucking the mouth with a penis, what is a boobjob?

Judas Iscariot for president

2009-07-11T17:14:00.007+08:00

After being traumatized at your election virginity... after several signs of vote buying and cheating... after campaigning hard for your favorite candidate only to find out that he's a bastard just like all the rest... you decide to call it quits. No more voting for you.

Judas Iscariot: President for life!
* picture taken from The Hyperion Institute

You tell the world: Go ahead, take my vote, give it to whomever you want! Anyway, whether I vote or not, the result is just the same. I'll just reserve all my energy for giving my fuckbuddy a hell of a good night! It would be more enjoyable than going on a field trip to a crampy voting center and getting terribly pissed off because my charismatic favorite candidate turned out to be a treacherous snake! Blaaaah!!!

(My sentiments exactly.)

Unfortunately for you, your righteous parents / husband / wife / children / boyfriend / girlfriend / stupid fuckbuddy-who'd-rather-vote-than-fuck wants to go through the hassle of voting because "voting is not just a right, it is a duty, it is your duty to the country, it is the least you can do to serve your motherland, and if you don't vote, then you have no right to complain about the government" (no shit, somebody actually said this). And, whether you don't like it or don't like it, they're tagging you along.

Fiiiiiiiine.

You slump your chin on your hands and lazily stare at your empty ballot. You glance at your annoying companions and see them dutifully fill in their votes.

You haven't chosen anyone to vote for 'coz, hell yeah, you can't find anyone deserving. Calling ABSTAIN on every blank spells "boring!!"

What do you do now?

(to be continued... I just bought Sims 3 and I'm too lazy to blog!)

Workout for flabby arms

2009-07-10T16:27:00.001+08:00

After a week of trying Pilates, I felt uncomfortable with the routine. It didn't feel right for me. I didn't feel any resistance, and the exercise is just too unappealing and too boring for me.

I'm gonna try this one instead:

* Youtube video from glannonbrian

Circus at the polls

2009-07-09T12:20:00.008+08:00

Okay, so let's say that you're a first-time voter in the Philippines. You've already registered at the Comelec, and you've managed to keep your police clearance clean by not strangling the ineffective secretary and the corrupt whochamacallits. Despite the disappointments, you've decided not to boycott the 2nd Monday of May.

What do you do now?

Warning: Ballot boxes aren't always this cute.
* picture from Rama of Wikipedia

1. Wait for your voter's ID to be delivered to your house. You should receive it within a matter of months. If you're lucky, you get it before the election day. My father got his within a few weeks, the magic of having a politically-familiar middle name. However, since that name was not passed down to my brother and me, some smartarse thought it was a good idea to just use my money on other ventures. (Talk about a two-year grudge... and, yes, I'm still mad about it.)

Tip: Thinking of givin' some bribes to get everything done quickly? Well, that's all up to you. If you ask me, don't do it. It's not worth it. You defeat the purpose of "clean & fair elections" if you have to bribe along the way of getting the right to vote. And, regardless, you're still going to get to vote... so why bother spending extra??

Plus, if a rare honest employee catches you trying to bribe him or her, you might find yourself in prison -- and unable to vote.

2. While you're waiting for that expensive piece of paper, you will have to think about who to vote for. Now, I'm not going to influence you on that, 'coz our preferences on candidates naturally differ. If you wanna vote for someone famous,whose face you always see on TV, fine. If you wanna vote for someone on the basis of their good looks, or manner of speaking, or the smell of their perfume, then that's your business.

What matters is:

Nobody forces you to vote for who you vote for.

Think democracy, always.

3. Didn't get your voter's ID? Don't worry. You will still get to vote. But don't be too happy about it 'coz that's not a good sign. If anyone, whether he has a voter's ID or not, can just come up and claim an identity and say he has registered at the Comelec, then he can vote over and over again, right?

Anyway, you can't worry about that now. Bring a pen, a valid ID, the receipt for your voter's ID, and your list of favorite candidates, then head for the precinct. Look for your name on the voter's list, then head for the table where you can get your ballot sheet.

4. When I last voted, I couldn't find my name on the voter's list. But did that stop me from voting? Hell, no! If you can't find your name on the voter's list, head for the helpdesk, show your receipt and your valid ID, and get your ballot sheet. Find an empty desk where you can fill in your ballot in peace.

5. Unfortunately for you, you can't find an empty desk. People are filling in their ballots next to each other, where they can literally read off four ballots away from them. Come on, you can't expect that the orderly setup shown on TV is what they actually have, can you??

(I dunno about other areas, but this is what I encountered in Parañaque. Talk about first-time trauma!!!)

Everywhere in the room, grimy little children totter around, distributing "sample" ballots for undecided fools. Yep, they too can read what you have written, and they know if you "need" to be convinced to vote for someone else. Creepy.

Just huddle to one corner of the room and fill your ballot furtively.

Tip: Don't leave a single blank on your ballot empty!! Someone could fill it in with the name of an undesirable candidate! Write ABSTAIN if you can't decide on anyone for that position.

6. Now time to drop your ballots into the metal boxes (they don't look anything like the lovely box I have in the picture -- not that our old boxes aren't good enough). Go to the helpdesk. Have them stain your finger with indelible ink. This is supposed to prevent you from voting again.

Unfortunately, the "indelible" ink can be easily removed with a nail file, alcohol and acetone.

Head home, grab a drink, watch out for the election results, and decide if you still wanna vote the next time.

Stay cool. You need it.

MJ (still) yummy @ death

2009-07-08T15:20:00.027+08:00

After passing away last June 25, 2009, and laying dead above the ground for an unholy number of days, Michael Jackson is finally laid to rest.

NOT.

What could have been (?) a solemn private funeral turned out to be a star-studded concert event. From Stevie Wonder to Mariah Carey to Jennifer Hudson, from Magic Johnson to Kobe Bryant, sooo many celebrities crowded the occasion that it was the "in" thing whether you're a Jackson fan or not.

THIS has got to be the most humongous funeral ever.

In case you missed it, you can check out the highlights at CNN. I'm sure you would. Millions of others, including myself, devoured the news coverage over and over again like crazy.

After this will come more speculations on how he really died. And was he really a pedophile? He had left unanswered questions, so many to feed thousands upon thousands of future newspaper articles and casual chitchats.

Perhaps not everything will be left to assumption. Maybe his kids will speak up more on their father now that he has passed away. Paris Jackson probably started it when she spoke, unmasked, before millions of people at the final, most touching point of the memorial:

* video from brandokelly
I must admit: I was moved to tears. Even I have been hooked on the Jackson death fever ever since it began, and I'm not a Jackson fan, so that must mean something. I began listening to his songs more. I learned that some of the songs I'm familiar with, like "Scream," "You are not Alone" and "They Don't Care About Us," were actually sung by him! Very, very much to my surprise.

Michael Jackson was fantastic. He had grown and died under the paparazzi's lens and behind curtains, tinted windows and surgical masks. He was an ironic mixture of fame and mystery; and for that reason, we are continuously drawn towards him.

We continuously query the Internet for his name. We flock blogs and forums, with our seemingly insatiable hunger for sympathy and debate on all things Michael Jackson. Admit it or not, we relish every emotion we have of his demise -- whether it's the pain of loss, or the heat of indignation, or the joy of good riddance.

And we're not gonna stop, not for all the calls that we ourselves make to give him the privacy that he had always longed for. No way. His life is just too delicious to let go. His death -- dare I say it -- almost orgasmic.

The attention that Michael Jackson had both loved and hated is not stopping at his funeral. He has not been laid to rest yet, and may not be for many years to come.

* Michael Jackson statue photo from Sjors Provoost, taken from Wikipedia

Sucky side of suffrage

2009-07-07T19:23:00.008+08:00

Long lines, disorganized records, fuckin' expensive voter's ID and computer-clueless staff. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Parañaque Comelec office.

Believe me. I've been there twice, and it fuckin' sucked twice. You may wanna see it for yourself, just to satisfy your curiosity and innate masochism. Otherwise, opt for a different precinct, if you can.

I'll let you go... I'll let you flyyyy....
* picture from Happy Earnie!

1. As for me, I don't wanna go back, even if it's to claim my long-lost-and-never-found voter's ID. Cost me more than PhP100. They said they would deliver my ID to my house but, even now, I'm still holding onto my receipt and wondering where my money went. Probably had gone to a more heavenly place, like Pegasus and Victoria Court.

And, unfortunately for you, we're still not done!¹

2. Long lines are a given. The office is understaffed, and the process of passing voters from one desk to another is poorly engineered.

3. And, of course, there's the traffic caused by an ineffectual computer operator. I waited in line to have my picture taken (for that ID that I never got!), and to have my details entered into the database. Our line was longer than the rest. Beside him, another computer operator had already processed three applications when ours seemed to have barely started on one!

When my turn came, I found out what was taking him long: he was trying to copy from one password field to another password field! How idiotic! I watched him try and try and get frustrated a couple of times.

When I finally lost my patience, I grabbed the mouse from him and entered the data on my own. Got it done within a minute. And then he excused himself, said he was gonna have lunch, and asked someone else to take over.

Tip: Customers, sometimes, you just gotta take matters into your own hands. Comelec, please make sure that your staff know how to use the computer for other than Youtube and porn.

(to be continued)

Update: continued in the post Circus at the polls
¹ R.I.P. Billy Mays

A disillusioned child voter

2009-07-06T23:30:00.009+08:00

While the folks around me groan about the upcoming elections, I can't help but feel the electricity of excitement buzz throughout my body. Since I was a child, I have been peppy about the election season; seeing all the fervor of campaigning and vote counting thrilled me more than watching cartoons.

Growing up, I counted the years to when I would cast my first vote, when my ballot would be one of the millions tallied before my eyes on TV. I was so excited about it, so much more than with dreams of someday getting wedded to my one true love. My parents warned me not to get too hyped up lest I get terribly disappointed.

Warning: This man might be planning to run for president.
* censored to protect the identity of the accused *
* edited from a public domain photograph, taken from Wikipedia

Twelve years and one election later, I found out that they were right. I was so excited all my life for this?? I now ask myself.

Looking back, I suppose I had envied my maternal grandfather. A dutiful Kapampangan, he never missed participating in the polls, despite having been dead since 1988.

And blame it on good ol' marketing, too. The elections on TV have been glamorized. On TV, the precincts were clean and orderly. There were well-spaced desks for the voters to sit comfortably in. Folders have also been provided for each desk, so that everyone can write his/her votes in secret.

But the truth, as always, was far from that.

(to be continued)

Update: continued on this post: sucky side of suffrage

Hannah Montana in Twilight??

2009-07-05T23:46:00.004+08:00

Hannah Montana & Edward Cullen: destined lovers?
Kindly refer to my deviantArt account for terms of use.

What if the role of Bella Swan had been played by Hannah Montana instead of by Kristen Stewart?

I'm pretty darned sure Edward Cullen would have lost his virginity within the first half of the movie. ^^

What on earth does NK want?

2009-07-04T16:38:00.025+08:00

As though to insult the celebration of American independence, North Korea unleashes another five missiles off its East Coast. Apparently, the new missiles have longer ranges and stronger firepower compared to those tested in the past.

Should we be concerned? North Korea, despite its threats against Obamalandia, is still no match to Uncle Sam. NK would have to be so foolish to risk retaliation by the US.

Right? Wrong.

Friends forever! (Partnership made in hell?)
* picture from www.kremlin.ru, taken from Wikipedia

We should even be more concerned. US may be a hell lotta stronger than North Korea, but its "allies" are not. South Korea, arguably the most threatened among all nations, may be seeking American aid soon. And Japan, with all its vaunted technology, had to buy from the US anti-missile defense systems worth hundreds of millions of dollars.

$ ka-ching! $

Like it or not, someone is very, very happy with these developments.

And please, please don't underestimate the power of North Korea. NK and Russia are buddy-buddy!

See??? (Nice smile, Vladee!)
* picture from www.kremlin.ru, taken from Wikipedia

Anyway, what's up with North Korea? The official claim is that the tests are for studying nuclear power for energy. Obviously, the true purpose is far from that. The North Koreans have no need for electricity. They are an impoverished, under-educated people and must remain that way, or the government would lose its grip.

Does North Korea want to rule over the world? Of course it does! But, come on, America is emperor of the world! Why the hell would you challenge that kind of power for a futile shot at world domination??? It doesn't make any sense!!

So why does NK even bother?

* Satisfaction of "innocent" lunacy? We don't have to argue that the Dear Leader has a couple (or maybe three or more) screws loose. No person in his right mind would shave off his chef's pubic hair out of sheer jest, nor would claim that he is man-god (and maybe actually believe it).

* Youtube video from GOODMagazine
And the man-god, thinking that the world is his toy, may destroy a few countries on a whim.

Possible, but highly unlikely. Just last year, the Dear Leader had suffered a stroke, strangely coinciding with the accelerated pace of nuclear tests this year. Imagine that: a 68-year-old overweight bastard recovering from a stroke so quickly he still has the strength and drive to command the testing of several nuclear missiles. How much cooler can he get??

If he still calls the shots right now, either he had made an unusually miraculous recovery or he's actually the man-god that he claims himself to be. If so, for all his vanity, wouldn't he have done something about that disgusting face of his?? Yuck.

(to be continued)

Pilates for the arms?

2009-07-03T13:04:00.001+08:00

For many people, their problem area is the waist area. For me, it's the arms. I have flabby arms, and I want to get them toned. I was advised to do shadow boxing, but due to lack of sparring partners, I've decided to try another regimen: Pilates.

Megan Fox has confessed that Pilates is her trick for maintaining a sexy body. And I've heard from television that Pilates is not time-consuming, so I suppose it is pretty good for lazy bums like moi. Now let's see if this thing actually works:

* Youtube video from diethealth
I will be doing these exercises everyday for one month, and I'm going to observe my arms for any positive changes.

A strong woman needs prayers

2009-07-02T20:00:00.019+08:00

I just found out that Cory Aquino is in a serious condition. She has been battling colon cancer for over a year now, and it seems that the disease is gaining on her.

Amidst all the hullabaloo about Barack Obama and the upcoming Philippine presidential elections -- and, yes, also Michael Jackson's death -- I have nearly forgotten the state of the former president's health. Prior to all this, I don't remember Cory Aquino looking pitiful despite the diagnosis. She was always calm and smiling when she appeared on TV. I thought that she was going to breeze through this disease.

Now I'm worried about her. I also learned that Cory has stopped her chemotherapy -- and that's not a good sign.

I look up to Prez Cory as a role model for woman empowerment. She is a pioneer: the first female president of the Philippines, and first female president of Asia. Though I do not agree with her on some points, I am also very much in awe of her.

Cory is definitely a strong person. However, just as she couldn't have been triumphant with Edsa I without the efforts of other people, she couldn't possibly succeed in this fight on her own.

More than ever, she needs your prayers to increase her strength.

Please pray with her.

* the Blue Ribbon, the symbol of the fight against colon cancer (picture from MesserWoland of Wikipedia)

Metro Manila commuting, part 2

2009-07-01T22:15:00.007+08:00

Sucat (Parañaque) to Makati: There are several ways of reaching Makati from Sucat:

* Head for the McDonald's at BF Homes-Sucat. Ride the shuttle to Makati. It goes through Skyway, so expect the ride to be very fast (and kinda expensive). The shuttle will pass by several known locations in Makati -- like Greenbelt, Landmark, PLDT, Enterprise Building and Ayala Avenue.

* Take a jeepney to the Sucat Interchange. Be careful 'coz several roads converge at this one point and many vehicles are just eager to run you over! Ride the open air bus to Ayala Ibabaw (not Ayala Ilalim!) until you reach the Ayala MRT station.

Ayala Station. The elevator and stairs lead to the MRT station,
while the lower floor leads to the bus station. Picture from Mithril Cloud of Wikipedia.

* Ride a Pasay Rotonda-bound jeepney along the Service Road until you reach an MRT station. Ride the MRT to Ayala.

Makati to [anywhere else]: Head for the shuttle station near the Ayala MRT station. Have fun exploring! Warning: The shuttle station is usually full of people in long lines. The fare is also more expensive. If you don't like waiting (like me) and don't like spending money on transportation (like me again), you can take other options to reach your destination.

Makati to Sucat (Parañaque): Ride the shuttle to Sucat. Or, go to the Ayala bus station (near the Ayala MRT station), then ride the bus to Sucat.

Makati to Alabang (Muntinlupa): Ride the shuttle to Alabang. Or, go to the Ayala bus station, then ride the bus to Alabang. You will alight at either the South Station (good!) or the Alabang Market (bad!) depending on the bus driver's state of mind.

But wait, there's more! Check out all my posts on commuting.

Metro Manila commuting, part 1

2009-06-30T22:50:00.013+08:00

Since bashing Philippine taxi cabs in a previous blog post, I am now obliged to share some of my commuting know-how to you. Although I am not an adventurous commuter, I do know a thing or two about the essentials of traveling from south to north, and vice-versa, sans the horrific taxi cab.

Ladies and gentlemen, you call this contraption a "jeepney."
* picture from Torox of Wikipedia

Alabang (Muntinlupa) to Manila: All it takes is one bus ride. Aircon buses headed for Lawton will take you for a ride to Manila while you conveniently catch some much-needed sleep. The bus cruises along Alabang-Zapote road, then takes a turn to Roxas Boulevard and Coastal Road. It then enters Buendia, where you can alight at the Buendia LRT station. Or, you can continue the bus ride through Taft Avenue to Lawton.

Tip: To avoid riding a fully-booked bus and standing the entire journey, start your trip at the terminal. The terminal of Tas Trans is at Pilar, along Alabang-Zapote road and shouldn't be easy to miss!

Alabang (Muntinlupa) to Makati: If you wish, you can ride the Lawton bus to Buendia LRT station. However, to avoid the heavy Alabang-Zapote traffic, you may opt to ride a jeepney to Metropolis, then ride a bus to Ayala, where you alight at the Ayala MRT station near Glorietta.

More tips coming up in future posts!

Update: Check out all of my posts on commuting!

Ditch that fukkin' taxi!

2009-06-29T22:06:00.040+08:00

Admit it, my fellow Filipinos: Taxis in the Philippines are a fucking ripoff! The drivers are the leeches of the road; they suck your wallets dry and replace your hard-earned cash with that terrific desire to wring their necks really, really tight.

Top 2 Reasons why I HATE TAXI DRIVERS in the Philippines:

* They NEVER give any change at all. Say, the taxi meter says PhP85, and you only have PhP100 bills... your ride will cost you PhP100. Driver gets a free PhP15 with absolutely no effort.

Solution: Make sure you have lots of small change in denominations of PhP10 and PhP5 with you. If you can pay a PhP250 fare fully in 25-centavo coins, better!

* If they know you are unfamiliar with the route, they will take a very long zigzaggedy path to your destination. Not only would you have to pay a bigger fare, you arrive at your destination late for that important meeting!

Apparently, tarantado taxi drivers are not a monopoly of the National Capital Region. I met the worst of these dishonest drivers in Davao City, on a 10:00 PM ride from the airport. After hiring a nicer driver the next morning, we found out that last night's driver had practically gotten to our destination, then took a turn, brought us around for a few more loops and dropped us back to where we had been before. Fucktard.

Solution: Familiarize yourself with the route. Ripping a map off the yellow pages should be cheaper than gratifying a wiseass driver.

Sure, I've heard remarkable stories about "nice" taxis, where the drivers are courteous and careful and deliver the exact change, but I have yet to encounter these heroes of the road. What makes them "remarkable" and "heroic?" Simple: because they are a rarity. They are so rare that when an office colleague shared his "nice" taxi story, everyone was like "ReeeEEaaLLYYY???"

Take note: I work in Makati. You know how taxis are in there, right? I rarely hail a cab, but there are times when I just have to. Blame it on my genes, 'coz my father and I are both poor navigators.

By the way, what's up with the extra PhP10 fare that Makati's "special" taxis ask for, anyway? They even have nice colorful stickers that say they are authorized to collect an extra PhP10! Where in fuckin' hell do they get that??? (Yeah, you don't have to tell me, Captain Obvious.) Provision for cabbie luxuries? Or plain ol' kickback? Well, whatever it is, I would not want it for the entire country, if you know what I mean. Just keep that damn crap in your Makati, okay??!

Watch out for my future posts on commuting from the south (Parañaque, Las Piñas, Muntinlupa) to the north (Manila, Makati) and vice-versa. Just avoid that freakin' taxi!

Update: Posted some tips on commuting. Read up!

* taxi photo (not from the Philippines) is from Edward Webb of Wikipedia

Rob Pattinson takes off his shirt!

2009-06-28T21:09:00.012+08:00

Robert Pattinson, born May 13, 1986, is the handsome actor most notable for his roles as "Twilight" vampire protagonist Edward Cullen and "Harry Potter" Quidditch star Cedric Diggory.

In this rare photo experience, the hottie bares his marvelous body for all his fans to see!

He's so sexy! (Yeah, baby!)

Kindly refer to my deviantArt account for the terms of use.

Why did Michael Jackson die?

2009-06-27T23:59:00.008+08:00

While I was prancing around the Internet for Michael Jackson's fan sites and eulogies, I found this intriguing riddle:

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a polyethylene bag?
(answer at the end of this blog entry)

Ah, I laud all the dudes and dudettes whose humor never die.

On the other hand, the Jacko Wacko die-hard fans should pull the poles from their tight, tight assholes and get smilin'. Their idol was a total camp and bozo clown in life. The lulz should keep coming even after his death.

Anyway, while investigators and forensic scientists look into the cause of Michael Jackson's death, a texter offered me this interesting theory:

It's actually this biatch's fault!!!
* picture from Ljlego of Uncyclopedia

In Heaven, God asks FARRAH FAWCETT what is her last wish.

FARRAH: Please save all the children in the world.

GOD: Done!

And then Michael Jackson dies.

LOLz!

But, in my opinion, children wouldn't have been saved by Michael Jackson's death. Especially in the first 40 days, when the spirit of the dead prowls the Earth for little boys in kindergarten school restrooms.

I am so glad I am not a little boy. Straight boys are scared of everything... and now, they have every right to be frightened...

Cause this is thriller! Thriller night!
And no one's gonna save you from the beast about to strike!
You know it's thriller! Thriller night!
You're fighting for your life inside a killer thriller tonight!
...

Now am I forgetting something?

Oh yeah!

Answer to the riddle: One is made of plastic and should be kept away from children. The other is used to carry groceries.

Peace out, Jacko Wacko freaks!

A tribute to the "King of Pop"

2009-06-26T21:22:00.004+08:00

OMG, it's Michael Jackson's ghost!

RUUUUNNNN!!!

* picture from Guzer.com

Hello, Michael.

I was startled when I heard the news this morning. My mom is a fan of yours and she has stayed tuned to CNN since she saw the news. I know she's saddened by your demise. And I know millions of other people are also devastated.

I believe you have touched the lives of your friends and your fans one way or another, and it's rather weird that I somehow feel for them. Honestly, I never was a fan of yours. Still, I think you have sung some of the best songs ever written. You were indisputably the best dancer who has ever lived.

If ever the same sudden death befalls my favorite celebrities *knock on wood* I will also be depressed.

I just think it was such a waste 'coz you were pretty cute back when you were still natural. And then you quickly became a hideous creep and walking corpse. It baffled me how those girls were so wildly attracted to you when you are a real-life nightmare.

How the fucking hell do you do it??? Do you cast some kind of voodoo spell or something?

Never mind. Rest in peace. Don't ever come back to haunt us, okay?

Gaydar tingling

2009-06-25T12:06:00.006+08:00

Some guys ooze with so much gayness it's just impossible for them to be straight. Heck, I wasn't surprised when Ricky Martin said that he's a "half" fruitcake. I mean, his gayness is like 1+1=2 staring right at your face ; it's so darned obvious! Anyone would have been too naive to have thought otherwise.

But wouldja believe, oh younger generation of ladies, that this handsome specimen of Homo sapiens was actually 100% gay???

* picture from Todd Lyons of Uncyclopedia

Lesson: Never judge a man's sexuality by his chiseled jaw and straight-edged tuxes.

Now I'm just waiting for Joe Jonas to slip up and say, "I don't like twats" or something.

*video from failblog
"Single Ladies" epileptic dance. It's not just gay. It's ABSOLUTELY IDIOTIC.

*video from JonasBrothersMusic
Don't lose hope, ladies. There's plenty of Steve Tyler to pass around!

Squeezing it out of GTA IV (PC)

2009-06-24T11:58:00.016+08:00

In my opinion, GTA has been the lord of all computer games ever since Rockstar churned out Vice City ages ago. So I was absolutely thrilled when I got to buy the long-awaited Grand Theft Auto IV for my PC.

But excitement turned to disappointment when I finally tried the game after a long installation.

The graphics were smudgy. Straight lines were jagged, and sides didn't meet perfectly at the corners. The characters seemed to have a shiny halo around them even though they weren't the holiest of men -- a sign of poor graphics rendering.

The motion of the characters were not as smooth as I had anticipated it to be. A task as simple as driving a car became a chore because the frame rate was so slow! The game responded too sluggishly at my keyboard presses, or sometimes not at all. Playing GTA IV was a terrible headache.

When I checked the graphic settings, they were turned to low. I tried setting 'em higher, but it caused the game to hang. Pretty strange for a laptop with 2814 MB RAM and 250 MB NVIDIA GeForce 9100M G video card (I don't understand any of this so don't bother asking; I just ripped that straight off dxdiag.) -- dedicated, of course, so the total video memory goes up to 1389 MB.

WHY THE FUCK IS THIS DAMNED GAME DETECTING ONLY 250 MB OF VIDEO MEMORY???

And if that weren't enough, I read several forums and found several other gamers who were experiencing the same problem.

Apparently, the PC version was one of the most disappointing games of 2008.

WTF???

Should have read that in the first place, huh? I seriously contemplated throwing the game away and forgetting about it forever.

GTA IV at low graphic settings and window mode
* personal screenshot

Thankfully, I read from forums that GTA can be run in windowed mode. That way, it would be less stressful for my computer, and I wouldn't have to suffer from 800 x 600 resolution on a 1280 x 768 screen. Yuck.

How to run GTA IV in windowed mode:

Open Notepad.
Type in
-windowed
Save as commandline.txt under your GTA IV installation folder (by default: "C:\Program Files\Rockstar Games\Grand Theft Auto IV")
Cross your fingers and pray.
Run GTA IV.

The game now runs more smoothly under windowed mode.

The command line file is my GTA IV savior. I've been playing the game now for a few days. Even though it's not as great as I had hoped it would be (due to its performance kinks), I still enjoy it for its story and its gameplay. And it's still superior to the Vice City game that I had enjoyed years before.

There are several other command lines that can be added. You can find a full list in the Readme or in here. I've also tried using the -availablevidmem and the -percentvidmem command lines to add to the video performance. The game apparently recognized the increased video memory allocation when I re-checked the graphic settings. However, the graphics and the laggy frame rate didn't seem to improve with the new command lines, so I just settled for -windowed.

Follow these tips and you can be assured of a decent GTA IV PC gameplay (as long as your PC doesn't totally suck). However, regardless of how many GTA IV for PC performance tips we think of, the experience just won't be perfect. GTA IV simply isn't made for the PC.

Rule of thumb: If you can afford it, just buy the game for PlayStation III.

CHEATING THE GAME

My GTA gameplay never seems to be complete without the almighty cheats. Unlike in Vice City, wherein cheats are entered directly through the keyboard, GTA IV cheats have to be dialed via Niko's cellphone. A list of cheats can be found in GameFAQs.

A few things to keep in mind, though:

You cannot input cheats until you finish the first mission and Roman gives you a new cellphone.
To enter the cheats, open the cellphone for dialing. By default, this can be done by pressing the [UP] key twice.
It takes a lot of time to enter cheats via the cellphone. Make sure you are in a safe place when you enter the cheats, and make sure you do it quick!
If you are interrupted while making the cheat call (say, when somebody shoots you, or when the police corner you), the cheat won't take effect.
Some cheats will disable some achievements. So if you're looking to collect achievements for your bragging rights, don't cheat. Ever.

Happy gaming, everyone!

Eat some noodles, save the world

2009-06-23T20:11:00.009+08:00

Ever since I lost my wonderful red mug at the office to God-knows-who (damned kleptostalkers! ), I've been gleefully using -- and throwing away -- the free paper cups at the pantry.

Oww. Al Gore is gonna be friggin' mad at me.

I "sorta" hate statistics as much as the next guy, so I won't be dropping any data about climate change and solid waste volume and all that boring stuff. All I know is from my miniscule environmental conscience. It just feels pretty bad that all this paper is going to waste, when I could "save the Earth" by drinking from a reusable cup. It helps cut back on company expenses, too, so we all get that Christmas bonus! *I hope*

But since I'm too lazy and too stingy to buy a cheap mug from Glorietta, I kept sending in paper cups for a new Payatas garbalanche.

And then, today, I got hungry and craved for some noodles.

EAT SOME NOODLES, SAVE THE WORLD
* picture from Rainer Zenz of Wikipedia

Mmm... cup noodles. Death in 60g of monosodium glutamate pleasure! I like havin' these babies during my work-a-thon days because they are very good at supressing hunger for long periods of time. Plus, they taste better, and cost less, than most restaurant soups.

And then -- I bet, by now, you have the same idea as I do -- I had a brainwave and realized I can use an empty noodle cup to replace the mug that I had lost!

Never mind if it isn't Starbucks-material. Aside from helping the environment, why recycle a noodle cup for your drinking needs?

* Cup noodles are available in almost any convenience store.

* They're very inexpensive! Plus, you get two benefits from one purchase -- you get a nice hot meal, and you get a nice drinking cup.

* The cup is sturdy, waterproof and has a good resistance to heat.

* No damned kleptostalkers would ever want it, so you're sure to have a drinking cup whenever you need one!

Just now, I had washed my new drinking cup, but it still smells badly of soap, and I don't have any time to rinse it, so...

Oh well, just for tonight, I'm drinking from a new paper cup.

Belated Happy Father's Day!

2009-06-22T14:11:00.010+08:00

Here's an interesting thought for men to keep at heart:

If you keep on using contraception, you will never know the joy of celebrating Father's Day.

Take this guy, for example. He is using a condom, and will never know the joy of being a father:

* video from boredmuch2

Since Father's Day comes only once a year, I will take this opportunity to share a few interesting thoughts about Father's Day:

* The best gift that a dad can receive on Father's Day is a free pack of condoms. They will surely be appreciated over the ubiquitous paperweights and ballpoint pens. Plus, they are much cheaper -- even more than maternity costs, diapers, milk and tuition fees.

* Since Father's Day comes only once a year, and involves 364 days of heavy expenses and wasted "me" time after, Father's Day is not worth reproducing for.

* Now that it's no longer Father's Day, I can tell you dads how stupid you are for not using contraception.

Belated Happy Father's Day, dumdums!

Fun with lipstick at the Holy Mass

2009-06-21T17:23:00.025+08:00

I hate going to Holy Mass. For me, it's very tiresome and a waste of time. But I especially hate the chore because I dislike the Catholic Church, which I see as a pompous, extravagant, terribly bigoted holier-than-thou-art institution.

Who dares speak against my Church?!?!
* picture by Kicca917 of Uncyclopedia

Yikes! But that's not what I'm gonna talk about today.

Oh, pshaw! I bet I disappointed a few pure souls. Were you rabid fanatics just waiting for what I have to say, ready to pounce on me and claw my eyes out and drag me in for excommunication? Well, that would be a task for another day, 'coz I've reserved that topic for the future. For now... just stick around, keep checking my blog, and click on all the links that you see on my page. Trust me, I would love you for it.

So, anyway, I am here to talk about...

LIPSTICK! *tadaaaaa!*
* picture from SJR of Wikipedia

Right. Sarah Palin's favorite makeup item is here to save us from boring priestly bantering! For this purpose, you don't have to buy Guerlain's KissKiss Gold and Diamonds (regardless of what the Church tells you!). A Superdrug Lipstick will do. In fact, the less expensive, the better. But it should have a deep rich color or it won't be any fun.

My first lipstick@HolyMass activity was vandalizing those random leaflets (like mayoral campaign ads and 2012 doomsday brochures) they give around outside the Church. Bored silly on my seat, I wrote a couple of M2M ads...

cute 21/m here wants gudluking 18+/m for erotic fun. 09**-***-****

...scribbled on a random cellphone number, planted a nice red fake kissmark and littered the leaflet somewhere for some enterprising fag to see. I later thought that it was nicer if I had written the entire thing using lipstick, on a piece of soft tissue paper (yum!).

On my way home from Mass, I thought of a few more things to do with lipstick:

* Menstrual pants surprise. If your church has varnished pews, take advantage of it. During the thirty-minute pre-Mass respite, rub some lipstick on the seats. If you do it right, the lipstick won't be noticeable in the varnish. Then just wait and watch for your next victim! Plus points if your victim is a guy.

* Fingerpainting. Within an hour, you can create a masterpiece that rivals even that of Jason Baalman. Or, you can end up with a random forgettable painting of a dog resembling a piece of bread. Either way, it still beats sitting out the Mass for an entire fuckin' hour.

Make sure you don't clean your fingers immediately after fingerpainting, 'coz here comes the best part!

* Reverend kissmark. This should be done after fingerpainting. After the mass, approach the priest and carefully place your stained finger on his white robe. And if churchgoers ask him, "So, who's your bitch, Father?" and he answers affirmatively (*oops!*), then you have done a great job!

Happy lipsticking!

Lawn tennis is my new sport!

2009-06-20T23:28:00.003+08:00

I tried my hand at real tennis for the first time today. It was just like PlayStation tennis, only a lot more fun -- and exhausting. But, seriously, it was a lot of fun, especially the part where I get to hit the ball and make it go to where I want it to.

From my first shot at the sport, I learned the following things about tennis that I never learned from using the PlayStation:

* Lawn tennis is more physically tiring than table tennis. The racket is bigger, the ball is bigger, the space is bigger -- hence, you gotta exert more force all throughout. (That should've been obvious in physics class, where F=ma, but I guess I was daydreaming back then.)

OMG, it weighs a ton!
* picture from Vladsinger of Wikipedia

* Before learning how to play on court, you gotta learn how to play against the wall. Since you are more in control when playing against the wall, you are able to focus on your stance. Playing on court focuses more on your legwork, which should come later.

* Don't swing from the elbow. Swing your entire body, hit the ball and follow through. Hitting from the elbow causes the arm to tire easily.

* Watch your grip from time to time. It keeps you in control of the racket and the ball. Poor grip can cause balls to fly to places that you cannot reach, like the rooftop and the sewers. (Thankfully, I just had close calls.)

* Watch your grip. You might drop the racket (which I did).

* Keep your eye on the tennis ball. Focus on the game. Don't think about groceries, shopping and sex when playing.

* Be grateful and generous to the pulot people (literally, the guys and gals who pick up tennis balls when they stray too far). Without them, you would have been panting more from picking stray balls than from swinging the racket.

* If you're playing outdoors from morning 'til noon, sunblock is a necessity. (I can already feel the sting on my cheeks-- *oww*)

And, most importantly...

* Be ready for aching muscles for the next few days. And it's not just the arms and legs that will hurt. Waists, shoulders... and wallets too. The pulot people are the least expensive part of the game. A Nintendo Wii is probably cheaper in the long run (yay, geeky gamers!).

So 'til I get a Nintendo Wii, see you at the court!

Speaking of Nintendo Wii, don't let this idiot use your console:

*video from FailBlog

The weirdest first post ever

2009-06-19T15:26:00.010+08:00

Hi peeps! I sneaked a bit from work today to play a little game. I hope my boss doesn't mind.

This amazing likeness of myself was made using SP-Studio, which is one of the best character makers ever created (thanks, Ms. Janina!). I just wanted to express how I feel right now: ridiculously perky and happy. Thank you, Vitamin Prozac!

There are just a few things amiss with this picture:

My hair isn't that red.
My hair is a lot messier.
My smile doesn't go from ear to ear, thank you!
I don't live in the clouds.
I don't own a cat (though I would love to).
I despise butterflies. (They're just freakin' weird and creepy!) Cockroaches just come a close second!
I've never worn a French maid costume. But, someday, I just might. *wink wink*

If you want, you can wait for when I wear that French maid costume. I'm sure it'll be to die for. :)